99 Things

I saw this on Sandra's blog. It's pretty neat. Give it a shot if you like.

Here are the rules:

Bold the things you’ve done and post this list on your blog then leave me a comment and tell me you did this I can go see!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld
8. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Written something that was published
11. Bungee jumped or parachuted
12. Walked across the Golden Gate Bridge
13. Been in a fist fight
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Seen the Rings of Saturn with a telescope
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when not ill
24. Built a tree house or snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Fired a gun
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Visited the Leaning Tower of Pisa
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke!
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal
44. Visited Africa
45. Cried yourself to sleep
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Visited the Eiffel Tower
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Pretended you cooked something from scratch when you didn't.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie or commercial
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold something door to door
62. Gone whale or dolphin watching
64. Donated blood, marrow, etc
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Held onto a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten frog legs or caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Time Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Done something illegal
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Sang a solo
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Climbed a mountain
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had surgery
89. Directly saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Seen a loved one die
94. Given birth to a baby
95. Visited the Alamo
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Sent a text message while driving
99. Been stung by a bee

What would Joe/Jane Average American have to say about this?

If anyone knows ANYONE that can help this family, please forward this story on.

http://jayscruggs.livejournal.com/

The video, in two parts, is on YouTube.com

Part 1:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G1FCAhL-WA

Part 2:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkldZTw5f9g

What this family is going through is beyond disgraceful! If you know anyone who can help the Scruggs family, PLEASE pass this on. I personally am unable to watch the video clips. They would rip me & my heart into pieces. The average American person who is untouched by adoption probably has no idea what is happening. What would they say if they knew?

FACE Act of 2009 Petition

Most countries recognize internationally adopted children as citizens upon the finalization of their adoption. The USA does not. The Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act (FACE Act) would recognize that internationally adopted children deserve to be treated as children of American citizens and accorded the same citizenship process as children born abroad to American citizens. PLEASE SIGN THIS PETITION!

FACE Act of 2009 Petition

Shared via AddThis

If you read my blog & aren't part of the adoption community, I hope that you will consider reading the FACE Act & signing the petition.

The Stars Have to be in Perfect Alignment

"Why was Chianna a big girl when she came home?"

Wow! And yet another big question from Erin. Last night was really chock full o' zingers.

Erin has been around adopted children her entire life & has never questioned the process until Chianna. This past Mother's Day, Chianna landed in FL with her mommy & daddy. Erin was giddy with excitement as she waited for her new friend to come home. Chianna came home at an older age than most of the children that Erin knows.

Last night's discussion about someone taking her away from us lead to why Chianna was older when she came home. Gee. Just how do you explain why some children wait around in an orphanage for years while others get to come home as infants? How do you explain the bureaucracy? How do you explain the BS?

When David & Erin take their telescopes out to observe the moon, the stars & the other planets, the stars have to be "just so" in order to be right. If the stars aren't in just the right position, it can't be the Big Dipper or the Little Dipper or any of the other constellations.

Some children aren't ready just like their mommies & daddies aren't ready. The stars have to be in perfect alignment for the whole package to be right. Chianna's stars weren't in perfect alignment until a few months ago. That is why she came home at an older age.

Erin will learn the truth when she's older. For now, this explanation worked.

"Mama I Dreaming"

This is what Erin comes out to tell me each night after she's been asleep for a while. And, each night I ask her what she's dreaming about. Her answer? "I don't know."

Last night after this happened 2 or 3 times, she asked me to come stay with her so I did. We've been trying to get Erin to tell us what she's dreaming about but never get an answer. She just gets very upset & starts to cry. I let it go last night & just sat there holding her. At one point she rolled over & said "I dreaming that they taking me away."

WHAT???

Did you hear my heart fall on the floor? I asked her to repeat herself & she got upset again so I went & got David. On the way into the bedroom, I gave him a heads up, & oh, you didn't hear his heart drop either?

We both went to talk with Erin about her comment. Together we were able to discover that Erin's dreams are about someone (anyone) taking her away from us. It about killed us to hear this come out of her mouth, but I guess the concerns & questions will start coming now. She isn't sure who it is that will be taking her but just that "someone" will take her.

Erin knows that we filled out TONS of paperwork to bring her home & make her our daughter. It just isn't enough for her to know that piece of the puzzle. We explained that when we were in China, before we even got to sign the adoption papers, we had to promise China that we would love her forever, educate her & NEVER give her away or let anyone take her from us. Then we explained that we went before a judge here in the US to do the same thing. And then we made sure that she has the same rights as David & I & a gazillion other Americans by making her a citizen of the USA. We told her that it is our job to protect her & that we would make sure that no one would ever take her away from us or us away from her. It seemed to help a bit but she still had trouble falling asleep.

Then again, so did David & I.

We know that this is a long time coming for our girl who has never slept well & never verbalized her concerns to us. We make it very clear that we are open to any & all questions about anything & everything. I guess now we have to be prepared to have some answers or to find these answers..

I may never sleep again knowing what Erin is feeling.

I Hate Diabetes!!

Blogging has been a challenge lately. You put so much of yourself into a post but don't want to put your entire life "out there" for the world to see. I try to be positive most of the time, but lately I'm having a tough time. So much is going on between my life & my friends & family - all hard stuff.

David is diabetic but a very well-controlled diabetic. His numbers are amazingly good. He indulges but is careful. Of course it helps that I hound him when I think he's going overboard. Rather than get angry, he lets me know where his numbers are & what he's doing. We tend to have pretty good communication about this issue.

So what's the problem if he's controlled? Well, diabetic neuropathy. It has made life a living hell. David was officially diagnosed as a diabetic after we came home from China. The neuropathy diagnosis came along about 2 years ago & the onset has been amazingly fast. I neither can nor do I want do go into what it's like for him to live in constant horrific pain.

As long as I know David, he's always been a sweater. (Yuck! I hate sweat.) It has gotten so much worse since the neuropathy. He has to wear fentanyl patches for the pain but they come off when he sweats. Insurance covers the cost of 30 days worth of patches. Sounds great, but when you sweat them off, you run short. And then you have to pay for them out of pocket. We have spent anywhere from $300 up to needing to replace a whole month's supply at $1500. You can't just go without the patches either. The pain is excruciating. There is so much more to this

The docs have come up with a plan to help us out though. This past Friday, David was given shots of botox (yes, you read correctly). Botox is supposed to help with hyper hydrosis (a/k/a super sweating). Oh. And insurance does have a code but the dr's office refused to use it. Another $1,000 out of pocket. OTOH, the shots have worked. So far.

If you read this David, I hope you don't mind. I've really been needing to get this crap off my chest. I honestly hope this works - for all of us. Erin doesn't really know of life without diabetes & having to see her daddy when he's in pain just plain ole sucks. It isn't any better for me either.

You like WHAT???

Football Mama.

That is what Erin likes. Okay, so that's not so bad by any means; however, she lives in a house that has never seen a sports channel turned on. Erin came home from school one day & decided that she likes football. I even bought her a small football to toss around.

Does this mean that I have to actually watch the game!? I don't understand it one bit. And I don't really get why people watch it either. OTOH, at least it isn't golf.

Oh! And she is obsessed by the news also. Now that makes sense. David is a news hound. Many mornings when Erin is finished with her daily chores, she can watch some tv before leaving for camp. Some days it's the Disney channel. Some days it's the news.



Rather than be upset about the bad things she sees, she asks questions.

• What does this word mean?


• Why are those people doing that?


• How are they going to fix that traffic mess? (I don't know but hope "they" figure it out before I go out on the road.)

I find this all very strange. At 6 I liked playing at the park, riding my bicycle & playing with my Barbie doll.

Vacation. Or Not.

I've been on vacation for the last 2 weeks.

Vacation you say? You must be so well-rested.

Ha! Who decided that vacations are for resting!? They must have been nuts. I'm exhausted from 2 weeks of "resting." I really do think that vacations are just a mental break from the norm because I got absolutely no rest these last 2 weeks.

This is what I accomplished on "vacation."

• Cut off 6 inches of my hair.
• Shopped for some summer clothing for Erin with my friend Michelle.
• Met Shari, Myke & Chianna for lunch.
• Went to the movies to see "Up!" with friends & all the kids. Michelle, Lisa & I sat in one row while we let Madi, Dante & Erin sit in front of us. It was a great experience for all of us. That is until Lisa & Michelle had to help me out of the chair because my hip locked up. Thanks gals!
• Scrap dates with Lisa. I got a lot done - 5 pages in 2 days. We tried to figure out how to use my new Cricut Create with no success. (More on that later.) It's always a good day when I'm with my gal Lisa! Scrapping, coffee, coke, shopping, chatting & trying to hide from the kids.
• Spent a day with Michelle & her daughter Lauren. Shopping, food & doctor appointment. Then the girls got to play at Lauren's house while Michelle & I chatted.
• Lunch & play date at Chick Fil-A (Their new peach milkshake is delish!) with Candy & Rachel, Minouche & Yasmin and Shari, Myke & Chianna (I'm still waiting for blog updates!). The mommies had a nice relaxing time chatting while Myke exhausted himself playing with the children. Watching the children play together is so heartwarming. Rachel & Yasmin hung together playing with Myke. In the meantime, Erin & Chianna were side by side.
• Drove up to my friend Jolene's house for a mommy scrap date & so that our girls could have a play date. We got there an hour early because I had forgotten that the last time I went there, I drove up during rush hour. Jolene laughed at me knowing that I'm driving challenged. Her hubby Freeman just took it in stride. I can't thank Jolene enough for a wonderful day! She showed me what I was doing incorrectly with my Cricut & totally wowed me with the capabilities it has!
• I signed Erin up for another 2 years of karate. Starting next month, Erin will also go into the school's leadership program. I can't thank Sifu Halana, Sifu Neil & their staff enough. Erin has really come far in their program. This normally shy girl has gained a measure of self-confidence that David & I only hoped she would gain. Erin goes 2-3 days a week & really looks forward to her time there. And I get to do more gabbing with new friends.

So now my vacation is coming to an end. What's on the plate for the weekend as I get ready to return to real life? More.

• Karate class
• Attend the grand opening of Monkey Joe's with some of my FCC friends.
• Laundry
• Shopping for the house
• Napping. Finally!

Life is busy! And exhausting!

"Gotcha Day!" "Forever Day!"

What's the difference? That was the question someone asked me just the other day. It's not a big difference in either David's or my mind. It really is one & the same; but it isn't.

Gotcha Day was June 2, 2003. It sort of speaks for itself. This was the day that 15 families sat in a very hot, very un-air conditioned room in the Guangdong Provincial Civil Affairs building for what seemed like years. We waited, & we waited & we waited. Only to find out that the Yangchun babies were arriving later than expected because of traffic delays. I even have a picture of my friend Gary pointing at his watch in impatience. After what seemed like ages, they arrived. I was so busy taking pictures of everyone receiving their baby & videoing our friends' Susan & Art receiving their daughter, that I actually missed hearing our name. In the background I finally heard David yell at me "Hey Tammie! Go get our daughter!" And they handed me the sweetest, quietest little baby who in no way weighed what they told us she weighed as far back as her referral picture was taken. David let me take Erin first & hold her & cry & check that she had 10 fingers & 10 toes. And then I handed David his daughter. And fell in love all over again.

Forever Family Day was June 3, 2003. This was the day that Chun Hua Xu became our daughter Erin Chelsie. We signed the papers, & I started crying. (I know that's a shock.) I looked at David & can remember saying we have to call our parents & tell them she's ours forever & no one can take her from us. When we did finally get back to the hotel, David told me to call my dad first. "Daddy, she's ours. No one can take her from us." And I heard my dad & stepmother cry tears of joy. I think it was about 2:00 am where they live.

We don't make a huge deal over these days. We want Erin to know that they are special, but that just having her in our lives is special. Each year we try to do something a little special. This year it was a pedicure & special dinner followed up with a yummy cake.

Come & Gone

Here is the new "do!" Not too different at all.

June 1st has come & gone. I've made it. I have survived 46 years, 6 weeks by 4 days.

I'm still worried but I don't think I'm as scared as I have been. David has been edge & asked me about how I was feeling. Actually, I feel fine. A little stressed, but other than that nothing is bothering me.

Yay me!

So what did I do to celebrate? I cut off my hair. Actually, I didn't cut it all off - just 6 inches. I still have enough hair to put into a decent pony tail. I spent the last 2 days trying to find a place to go. I have some clients who wanted to work with my hair, & I thought about it. Then I realized that being as picky as I am with my hair, I didn't want to worry about "What if I don't like what they do?" I ended up walking into a Hair Cuttery telling the stylist to cut my hair to just below my shoulders. I didn't even flinch!

First, Second, Third, Fourth and

now Erin has Fifth Disease!

She woke up yesterday morning with red cheeks. You know how when you wake up sometimes you have a red face? And then it goes away. Well she woke up around 6:30 / 7:00. We were getting ready to go to my niece Riley's birthday party. Around 10:00 I called David to tell him what was going on. I took a few pictures of her face & he took a peek at them. Unfortunately, we decided that going to the birthday party was out. We had one very unhappy little girl.

In the end I called the pediatrician's office to ask if we needed to do anything or even come in for a visit. Everyone's favorite nurse called us back to answer my questions. I described Erin's face to her, & she told me that Erin has what is called Fifth Disease. Erin is NOT contagious at all. Actually, the child is contagious up until the rash comes out but now that the rash is out, we have the all clear. She'll have the rash anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks, & then it should go away.

Erin was really upset at first. Aside from having a rash on her face, she couldn't go to the birthday party. The poor kid thought this was her fault. It took a while for me to get her to believe that she didn't do anything wrong. I explained to her that she'll need to stay indoors & get plenty of rest over the next few days. Oh. And she also can't sleep in inter jammies all bundled up like she likes to do. (For a kid who has never lived in cold areas, she prefers flannel jammies.)

I took her over to Target for a while. She loves to go shopping but even better she can get her favorite treat there. Our Target has a Starbucks inside. She loves to get one of their Strawberry & Creme drinks with whipped cream on top. It was a nice day for us since David had to go to work. She got 4 bathing suits, some Bakugan, puzzles & coloring sheets.

David has to go to work again today. He has a BIG project he's working on. Erin & I were supposed to go out to a dance recital for her friend Lauren. We decided to keep her home with just a quick excursion out later today so she doesn't feel punished.

Alice Cooper says it all

Well we got no choice

All the girls and boys

Makin all that noise

'Cause they found new toys

Well we can't salute ya

Can't find a flag

If that don't suit ya

That's a drag

School's out for summer

School's out forever

School's been ***************

No more pencils

No more books

No more teacher's dirty looks

Well we got no class

And we got no principles

And we got no innocence

We can't even think of a word that rhymes

School's out for summer

School's out forever

School's been ***************

No more pencils

No more books

No more teacher's dirty looks

Out for summer

Out till fall

We might not go back at all

School's out forever

School's out for summer

School's out with fever

School's out completely

Hebrew school is out for the summere. As always I'm in desperate need of some good ole fashioned rest. Don't get me wrong.

I always dread the beginnng of the year. What new obstacles will I have to overcome? What new plan will I need for that student who just doesn't "fit the mold?"

And the last day of school? I cry as I watch "my kids" move on to the next grade. When they came to me, they knew a few of the Hebrew letters & had heard some Bible stories. By the last day, my students have learned all of the letters & even write them. (If you have ever seen Hebrew, you know the letters look nothing like the English language.) Many of them might even be ready to start reading! They know their Bible stories & can discuss (on their level) the meaning behind the story.

But for now School's Out for Summer!

Citizenship

Today was the day we have been waiting for! At 8:00 a.m. this morning, May 12, 2009 Erin had to appear at the local field office of the US Dept of Immigration. She was finally being sworn in as an American citizen!

As of February 2001 when an internationally adopted child enters the United States on an IR-4 visa (indicating both parents travelled), they are an American citizen. HOWEVER, (isn't there always a "however?") there isn't a government agency that recognized that federal law. David & I flew to China knowing that Erin would be granted citizenship as soon as we both set foot on U.S. soil. And then we received her Resident Alien card in the mail.. Huh? Wait a second! She's a citizen. Nope. Not one agency recognized this law. I was one ticked off mama when I had to argue with the lady at the Social Security Administration on the day I registered to get Erin's social security number. The reality is that if your child received a Resident Alien card, then the government doesn't recognize your child to be a citizen.

In 2007 I realized that I wasn't going to win. I completed all of the paperwork within hours of the application fee being doubled. A few weeks ago, David called me at work to let me know that Erin was finally being granted citizenship.

Last night we all went to bed early so we could be up bright & early for the day's special events. We left the house & got to the field office by 7:35. As we walked in, we were greeted by security & had to pass through the screening process. Then we waited in a long line until they allowed us to go in to the Swearing In room at 8:00.

The first thing upon entering the room, Erin & I sat down at a table so that I could verify the information that is on her paperwork. Let me tell you I was pissed. We entered the U.S. on June 11, 2003. Her citizenship is effective October 2003. David made me shut up so that we get it all over with. He was probably afraid that Erin wouldn't get her citizenship.

After finishing up at "the table," we were directed to the seating area for the swearing in. Because Erin is a minor, one of us was allowed to sit with her while the other sat in the guest area (right next to her it turns out). David was stepping aside to let me sit with Erin. Our very decisive little girl decided that she wanted to have her daddy sit with her. That said, David sat with his girl while I sat on the sidelines.

While we all waited for the ceremony to begin, I got to observe David & Erin together. They played & chit chatted each adoring the other. They looked through the plastic bag that each new citizen is given. Inside was a small American flag. Erin loved waiving her flag around!

The ceremony started.

• The field officer welcomed all of the people as they were becoming citizens.
• Everyone rose to sing The Star Spangled Banner.
• The field officer announced how many people were being granted citizenship & which country they came from. (China had 3 people.)
• Everyone rose to say the Pledge of Allegiance. This was lead by one of the new citizens. He lead everyone beautifully.
• The field officer then called each person by name to come & get their Certificate of Citizenship & have their picture taken. Erin turned her head into David's shoulder at that point & refused to look up.

When we were done, it was picture time! David snapped a few pics inside - even got one of me!

I Made It

I got through yesterday & not too badly if I do say so myself. May 7th is my mother's birthday, & yesterday she would have been 70 years old. I can't really imagine that. In fact, when I think of what my mom looked like, I remember her from the Mother's Day before she died. I have a picture of her with my brother Seth & me. That is how I see her in my mind's eye. That is when I can picture her alive. It's hard because my last memory of her is from when the paramedics took her out of our house to bring her to the hospital.

Yesterday, I had a migraine. I usually feel sick on my mom's birthday. I guess it's the stress of the day & missing her. I did my best to focus on the day & ignore her birthday. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I tried to be stress-free. And to some degree, it worked.

Happy birthday Mommy! I miss you & I love you.

Shari & Myke.

They won! They fought the battle & won it all!

My friends Shari & Myke left for Vietnam Friday night to adopt their beautiful child Chianna. Adoption in Vietnam is very different than adoption from China - unless of course things have vastly changed since 2003. Shari & Myke were supposed to visit Chianna yesterday and have their G&R (Giving & Receiving) ceremony this afternoon. Their Vietnam contact Thuy told them that orphanage was moving up the G&R to 9:00 am today so when they went for their visit yesterday, they were allowed to take custoday of Chianna & bring her back to their hotel. After the adoption battle they went through, this was truly a blessing.

I have been following this journey of their's from the very beginning. Let me say that I have never seen a man so involved in the adoption process. Most of the women I know say that they filled out the paperwork, & their spouses followed along wherever they were led. Who knows? Was it easier for them to do it this way? Did it actually happen this way, or is it what they remember of the process? Are the women just that much more organized? I don't know. David was this way. I think of it as being shell-shocked. Myke seemed to be very into the whole process.

The other night, I was talking with him. It came to me during this conversation how similar he is to my own husband. Both of them went along on the Adoption Roller Coaster to Hell. Both of them supported their wives during the ups & the downs. And both of them said to me that until they take custody of their child, it wasn't really happening.

Myke, if you ever read this, I am so happy that you have gotten off the Adoption Roller Coaster to Hell. Seeing the picture of you in the car, almost praying, brought me to tears. I know in my heart of hearts that you're going to be a hell of a daddy. (G-d knows you've had plenty of practice with your own niece & now nephew &, of course, with all of the FCC children.) I know that you have many of the same worries. It will all be fine in the end. And, Mr. Pied Piper of S FL, we can safely say that your special magic works no matter what country you are in.

Shari, I couldn't be any happier for you than I am right now. There are no words that I can think of. You are a persistent woman & once you have a goal in sight, there is nothing that will stop you.

Congratulations Mommy & Daddy! Welcome to the Roller Coaster of Parenthood!

Finally!! Notification of Citizenship Application

When David & I traveled to China in 2003, we brought home one amazing little baby. Erin became a citizen the minute we stepped onto US land. That was a law. It went into effect not too long before we received her referral.

Too bad, the US government agencies didn't acknowledge their own law! It was a fight when I called & asked why we received a green card for Erin in the mail. It was a fight when I applied for Erin's social security number. It was a fight when I tried to get her covered for health & life insurance. It was even a fight when I opened her bank accounts. Sheesh! What the heck use is a law if no one will recognize it!?

After a while, I got tired of the fight & let it go. In July 2007, David & I filled out the paperwork to have Erin officially recognized as an American citizen.

Yesterday, the notice came in the mail. On Tuesday, May 12, 2009 David & I will take Erin down to have her sworn in as an American citizen!!

Chianna's COMING HOME!!!!

A million years ago, when Erin was a very little girl, David & I were shopping in Target. A pretty nice guy stopped us to ask a few questions (if we didn't mind that is).

Today, that nice guy & his sweet wife left to go bring their daughter home! Myke & Shari have over the last few years become a very important part of our lives. Erin absolutely adores Myke. After all, he is the Pied Piper of the FCC-SFL. Children everywhere love & adore him. And Shari? She sits on the sidelines watching her husband with all of these other children. Somewhere in the back of their minds, they have been wondering if the child bouncing around on Myke's knee was ever going to be their child.

Their dream is coming true this coming Tuesday. Chianna will officially get to meet her mommy & daddy. And after all this time, Myke & Shari will get to hold their daughter.

And me? Well, I'm going to sit back & enjoy the ride as my dear friends become parents for the first time. Congratulations Myke & Shari!

Are you there G-d? It's me. Tammie.

I know I've been away for a while, but I really needed to take a break. Although I'm not as prolific a blogger as some of my friends, I do try to post more than 3 times in a month. I couldn't. This is a hard time for me.

On the 15th of April, I turned 46 years old. Not a bad number to most people. To me, it's a bad one. In 1985, my mom turned 46 years old. Six weeks later she died of a massive heart attack. And life was never the same again.

I have never been more scared than I am right now. I have never been able to see myself any older than my mom was at the age she passed away. It was a number of years before I found out that this is actually a common phenomenon. I knew a gentleman whose wife passed away from cancer after I got married in '88. His daughters had a rough time of it when he started to date & eventually found someone with whom he could spend the rest of his life. One of his daughters was interviewed for a book by Hope Edelman titled "Motherless Daughters." Knowing what I was going through, he recommended I read the book.

It probably saved my life. I had begun to do things that were defeating me in life. Reading this book showed me that I wasn't alone. There were actually many other women out in the world who didn't know what life beyond the age of their mother's passing would look like. I had, & still to this day have, many questions for my mom to answer. And she isn't here to guide me as I go through these experiences.

My gyn asked me when my mother started menopause. I don't know that she ever did. I have no one to go to. My mom wasn't there to guide me through a wedding. My mom wasn't there to guide me through an international adoption. And dammit, I shouldn't have had to name my child after her. She was supposed to be here showing me the ropes. I have no clue when it comes to so many things.

My father felt so much guilt over everything that our relationship fell apart for a very long time. Thankfully, we have a great relationship now, but it took years to get where we are now.

David has always been my rock. At first he refused to admit that there was a problem. After all, just because I look like my mom (Can we say "cloned?"), it doesn't mean that the same things will happen to me. It wasn't until I read "Motherless Daughters" that I was able to verbalize what I was feeling.

I'm much more careful than my mother was.

• I quit smoking about 17 years ago.
• I don't live on 3 pots of coffee a day with almost no food.
• I go to the doctor for checkups & with the exception of a colonoscopy, have had all the recommended tests.
• I don't allow my family to walk all over me. She would do anything for anyone (so would I) even sick (not me!).

Even with the changes I've made in life, I still can't see myself much older. My goal right now is to get to June 1st. That is 6 weeks & 3 days after I turn 46. I think I'll breath a little easier.

After all, I have David & Erin to live for. I have a wonderful group of friends & I really do want to stick around.

Can ya help me out up there G-d?

Do you like The Sound of Music?

I do. It's one of my favorites. This video is great.
Enjoy!

"That's not a nice joke!" Click

That is exactly what happened 6 years ago.

I got "THE CALL" at 2:43 pm at work. After a miserable 14 month wait, my phone call came on April Fool's Day 2003. I was so distressed that I didn't even care who it was that was calling. I hung up all pissed off. How could someone do that to me after 14 long, miserable, hellish months of waiting & wondering & crying. You need to understand that in 2003, 14 months was the absolute longest wait anyone had ever heard of to receive a referral.

Thank G-d that Emily of Great Wall called back. I've never heard anyone speak so quickly & try to keep me on the phone. Screaming she said "No! Wait! Tammie this is really the call. It's not an April Fool's joke." By that time, the woman who had hired me to work for the bank walked into the office. Everyone in the office (both co-workers & clients) was waiting & holding their breath. You could have dropped a pin & heard it.

And the tears started. Not that they've ever really ended. And, yes there are still some tears of frustration. Most of them are tears of love & joy.

Erin's Referral Pic

Taken January 2003




Erin taken just last Friday night at party.