Tonight as we head into yet another holiday season I'm feeling sad - not depressed - just sad. I know that I should be so happy & yet I'm not. All day long I've needed to cry, from the moment I got out of bed. I'm a big believer in tears being a necessary evil. As I explain to Erin, there are sad tear, angry tears, & happy tears, & they all serve a purpose. Erin can't bear seeing me cry. It totally freaks her out so I need to hide them from her. David gets upset when I cry so I need to hide them from him. When do I get a chance to let it all out?
The holidays are always a hard time for me. My mom has been gone since 1985, & a day doesn't go by that I don't miss her. My dad has told me that she would be proud of me - as a mother, as a career woman & as a wife & daughter. I hope so. It's not like he'd feed me a line of BS but I do wonder what she'd think of me. Would she realize that I've learned the lessons she taught me? Would she know how much I always loved her? And I wonder too if she knows how I hate that she left me. How I hate that I had to name my daughter for her instead of one of my grandparents. How I hate that she's not around so we could sit down & read our trashy novels & share a few pots of coffee. How I hate that she's not around to see her granddaughter. She would have been an amazing grandmother since she absolutely loved kids. She would have adored Erin.
Yes. I try to remember that my mom had no choice in leaving us. It was her time. G-d had made his decision. But darn! Knowing that doesn't help in the here & now when I'm missing her.
Family & friends who knew my mom say that I'm just like her. I hope so.