Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
On the 15th of April, I turned 46 years old. Not a bad number to most people. To me, it's a bad one. In 1985, my mom turned 46 years old. Six weeks later she died of a massive heart attack. And life was never the same again.
I have never been more scared than I am right now. I have never been able to see myself any older than my mom was at the age she passed away. It was a number of years before I found out that this is actually a common phenomenon. I knew a gentleman whose wife passed away from cancer after I got married in '88. His daughters had a rough time of it when he started to date & eventually found someone with whom he could spend the rest of his life. One of his daughters was interviewed for a book by Hope Edelman titled "Motherless Daughters." Knowing what I was going through, he recommended I read the book.
It probably saved my life. I had begun to do things that were defeating me in life. Reading this book showed me that I wasn't alone. There were actually many other women out in the world who didn't know what life beyond the age of their mother's passing would look like. I had, & still to this day have, many questions for my mom to answer. And she isn't here to guide me as I go through these experiences.
My gyn asked me when my mother started menopause. I don't know that she ever did. I have no one to go to. My mom wasn't there to guide me through a wedding. My mom wasn't there to guide me through an international adoption. And dammit, I shouldn't have had to name my child after her. She was supposed to be here showing me the ropes. I have no clue when it comes to so many things.
My father felt so much guilt over everything that our relationship fell apart for a very long time. Thankfully, we have a great relationship now, but it took years to get where we are now.
David has always been my rock. At first he refused to admit that there was a problem. After all, just because I look like my mom (Can we say "cloned?"), it doesn't mean that the same things will happen to me. It wasn't until I read "Motherless Daughters" that I was able to verbalize what I was feeling.
I'm much more careful than my mother was.
- I quit smoking about 17 years ago.
- I don't live on 3 pots of coffee a day with almost no food.
- I go to the doctor for checkups & with the exception of a colonoscopy, have had all the recommended tests.
- I don't allow my family to walk all over me. She would do anything for anyone (so would I) even sick (not me!).
Even with the changes I've made in life, I still can't see myself much older. My goal right now is to get to June 1st. That is 6 weeks & 3 days after I turn 46. I think I'll breath a little easier.
After all, I have David & Erin to live for. I have a wonderful group of friends & I really do want to stick around.
Can ya help me out up there G-d?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
And the tears started. Not that they've ever really ended. And, yes there are still some tears of frustration. Most of them are tears of love & joy.