Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Stars Have to be in Perfect Alignment

"Why was Chianna a big girl when she came home?"
Wow! And yet another big question from Erin. Last night was really chock full o' zingers.
Erin has been around adopted children her entire life & has never questioned the process until Chianna. This past Mother's Day, Chianna landed in FL with her mommy & daddy. Erin was giddy with excitement as she waited for her new friend to come home. Chianna came home at an older age than most of the children that Erin knows.
Last night's discussion about someone taking her away from us lead to why Chianna was older when she came home. Gee. Just how do you explain why some children wait around in an orphanage for years while others get to come home as infants? How do you explain the bureaucracy? How do you explain the BS?
When David & Erin take their telescopes out to observe the moon, the stars & the other planets, the stars have to be "just so" in order to be right. If the stars aren't in just the right position, it can't be the Big Dipper or the Little Dipper or any of the other constellations.
Some children aren't ready just like their mommies & daddies aren't ready. The stars have to be in perfect alignment for the whole package to be right. Chianna's stars weren't in perfect alignment until a few months ago. That is why she came home at an older age.
Erin will learn the truth when she's older. For now, this explanation worked.

"Mama I Dreaming"

This is what Erin comes out to tell me each night after she's been asleep for a while. And, each night I ask her what she's dreaming about. Her answer? "I don't know."
Last night after this happened 2 or 3 times, she asked me to come stay with her so I did. We've been trying to get Erin to tell us what she's dreaming about but never get an answer. She just gets very upset & starts to cry. I let it go last night & just sat there holding her. At one point she rolled over & said "I dreaming that they taking me away."
Did you hear my heart fall on the floor? I asked her to repeat herself & she got upset again so I went & got David. On the way into the bedroom, I gave him a heads up, & oh, you didn't hear his heart drop either?
We both went to talk with Erin about her comment. Together we were able to discover that Erin's dreams are about someone (anyone) taking her away from us. It about killed us to hear this come out of her mouth, but I guess the concerns & questions will start coming now. She isn't sure who it is that will be taking her but just that "someone" will take her.
Erin knows that we filled out TONS of paperwork to bring her home & make her our daughter. It just isn't enough for her to know that piece of the puzzle. We explained that when we were in China, before we even got to sign the adoption papers, we had to promise China that we would love her forever, educate her & NEVER give her away or let anyone take her from us. Then we explained that we went before a judge here in the US to do the same thing. And then we made sure that she has the same rights as David & I & a gazillion other Americans by making her a citizen of the USA. We told her that it is our job to protect her & that we would make sure that no one would ever take her away from us or us away from her. It seemed to help a bit but she still had trouble falling asleep.
Then again, so did David & I.
We know that this is a long time coming for our girl who has never slept well & never verbalized her concerns to us. We make it very clear that we are open to any & all questions about anything & everything. I guess now we have to be prepared to have some answers or to find these answers..
I may never sleep again knowing what Erin is feeling.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Hate Diabetes!!

Blogging has been a challenge lately. You put so much of yourself into a post but don't want to put your entire life "out there" for the world to see. I try to be positive most of the time, but lately I'm having a tough time. So much is going on between my life & my friends & family - all hard stuff.
David is diabetic but a very well-controlled diabetic. His numbers are amazingly good. He indulges but is careful. Of course it helps that I hound him when I think he's going overboard. Rather than get angry, he lets me know where his numbers are & what he's doing. We tend to have pretty good communication about this issue.
So what's the problem if he's controlled? Well, diabetic neuropathy. It has made life a living hell. David was officially diagnosed as a diabetic after we came home from China. The neuropathy diagnosis came along about 2 years ago & the onset has been amazingly fast. I neither can nor do I want do go into what it's like for him to live in constant horrific pain.
As long as I know David, he's always been a sweater. (Yuck! I hate sweat.) It has gotten so much worse since the neuropathy. He has to wear fentanyl patches for the pain but they come off when he sweats. Insurance covers the cost of 30 days worth of patches. Sounds great, but when you sweat them off, you run short. And then you have to pay for them out of pocket. We have spent anywhere from $300 up to needing to replace a whole month's supply at $1500. You can't just go without the patches either. The pain is excruciating. There is so much more to this
The docs have come up with a plan to help us out though. This past Friday, David was given shots of botox (yes, you read correctly). Botox is supposed to help with hyper hydrosis (a/k/a super sweating). Oh. And insurance does have a code but the dr's office refused to use it. Another $1,000 out of pocket. OTOH, the shots have worked. So far.
If you read this David, I hope you don't mind. I've really been needing to get this crap off my chest. I honestly hope this works - for all of us. Erin doesn't really know of life without diabetes & having to see her daddy when he's in pain just plain ole sucks. It isn't any better for me either.