Shining Light on the Horizon

I'm not sure why but I truly do feel a light shining down on the horizon.  I just got off the phone with Viv who is trying her darndest to kick some sense into me.

This past week has been awful.  Things are coming to a head finally.  Maybe that's what I need to have happen. 

Last Sunday was the school's model Seder.  We combined the kindergarten, 1st & 2nd grades for Seder.  It didn't go well.  Then again, I didnt expect it to go well.  (Anyone ever heard of the Pygmalion Effect?)  We are 5 teachers  who don't do things the same way.  There was no time to practice &/or prepare.  My class never got to do their project.  I felt like it was total chaos.  After it was over, parents came over to tell us that it was a nice day.  Go figure.  They ignored what we were trying to do.  Their children were ignored in favor of chatting.  But they had a good time.  Okay. 

The stress at the bank is ridiculous.  I've finally  come to terms with my new manager  & our different ways of doing things, & now there's a different kind of stress.  It never ends.  Most of it is my fault because I'm so set in my ways.  The good news is that I can learn from my mistakes & move on.

I've never been very confident in myself.  I get stuck in a rut & don't know how to get out.  I got into my industry 22 years ago by accident & haven't figured out what I know how to do.  Sounds strange.  I've got loyal clients & co-workers who believe in me.  So why can't I believe in myself?  I'm amazingly organized.  I give 110% of myself at any job so I get upset when I don't do as well as I should.  I like to help people & believe in doing things the right way or not at all.

There are problems but I need to get off my duff & work them out in my own mind.  One of the things I've done to start is to get back on my meds.  The panic & depression will take a hold & not let go if I don't stay on track with them. 

I hereby refuse to give in.

No Time

I have no time anymore.  And it's really driving me nuts.  In a nutshell, life is crazy & I'm not happy.  I have to figure out what I really want & am having a tough time doing that.  There are some good things going on but I'm wallowing in the negative right now.  I know there's a way out, but haven't found it just yet.

There have been some great things:

• Celebrating Chinese New Year with friends.  Erin & I went to Orlando for Chinese New Year weekend with Jolene & her girls Jade & Emma.  This was the celebration that FL GWCA puts on.  I felt so badly that I wasn't able to help Susan as much as I normally do.  Right after we got home, we celebrated with our FCC-SFL family & friends.  It was a great night.
• Erin got asked to join the karate school's demo team.  She's the youngest one on the team.  Her hero Brittany has told me that she didn't expect Erin to catch on quite as quickly as she did.
• David's new meds while not perfect are working.  We should find our way out of the poorhouse within this year.  I love that we're not spending an extra paycheck each month on meds alone!  Of course I'm glad we had the equity line on the house so I was able to pay for those meds.  Now I have to pay that off.
• Erin decided she didn't want to wait for David to teach her to ride without training wheels.  She asked him to take them off one day & taught herself!  We're so proud of her for taking the initiative.  Of course, she's taken a few spills but that's to be expected.

But most of what I'm feeling isn't good:

• David's meds that are working, aren't working 100%.  He's still in pain & pretty sensitive to weather changes.  I hate seeing him like this.
• Erin has been going through stuff that makes her throw temper tantrums the like of which we've never before seen from her.  It's been 2 weeks of yelling, screaming & crying.  OTOH, we had a really good night a few nights ago where I was able to get some of it out of her.  She's feeling better about things but is still fighting the emotional crap.  I'm glad that she's telling me what's happening in her life but hate that she still doesn't know how to articulate it all the time or is worried that we'll be angry about what she has to say.
• I'm not happy at work.  This is probably the biggest thing for me.  For all the time that we spend at work, we really should be happy where we work.  My new manager is nice but I don't agree with things she's doing.  I know I'm stubborn & used to getting things my way, but I"m a dedicated, loyal employee who gives back quite a bit.  When I was transferred to the new office, I wasn't concerned about the staff since I knew many of them & had always gotten on well with them.  My concern was the lack of a manager but I had been told that a new manager had been hired & she's all about helping people in the office succeed.  I'm not convinced.  Continually asking me what she can do to help is not doing anything.  I'm a VERY territorial person.  I declined a job on the roving/floating team when it was offered to me because I know that I need a place to call home.  I like to work at my desk with my things & know that my customers can always find me.  This is being changed.  Now we don't have permanent desks because we should be able to work anywhere.  Fine.  BUT my direct line rings at my desk.  My personal belongings are at my desk.  I have a way of working that is extremely organized & can't work at the desk of slobs & the others in my office are slobs.  Maybe throwing things in a drawer works for them, but I can't work that way.
• Working 6-7 days a week is killing me.  Sept through May I teach Sunday school.  While there are days off for the various holidays, I'm still working more than I'm home.  David & I have talked it over.  I have to stop teaching after this year is over.  I can't take it anymore.  I'm always tired.  My house is falling apart because I'm too tired to clean up after everyone.  Erin is probably throwing some of these tantrums because I'm not home as much as I used to be.  The killer thing here is that I'm going to end up with a pay cut over this.  Without teaching, I'll lose an extra $3k a year.  And the bank is certainly not going to reimburse me for this.
• My back has gotten so bad that getting out of bed hurts more than it should.  I'm in constant pain & have no time to go to a doctor.
• The prongs on my mom's engagement ring have broken off.  I have no time to take it to a jeweler to get it fixed. 
• I started wearing a jade ring on the same finger as my mom's ring so I could still have the feeling of a ring.  It feels really wierd without something on that finger.  It broke yesterday. 
• Star has been having health issues.  A few weeks ago we had her at the vet AGAIN.  We thought for sure we were going to lose her after a very severe seizure.  The vet was wonderful.  We found out that she had a bad urinary tract infection which required antibiotics.  She also has very bad arthritis in her hips so she's on pain killers.  We tried giving her glucosamine chewables so she could start to feel better.  Have you ever seen a dog spit something out of their mouth?  We have.  She won't eat these pills. 

So I'm feeling pretty depressed.  I recognize the signs & know this isn't a good place for me to be.  All I want to do lately is cry, but I don't want to scare Erin so instead I hold it in. I've been on FB when I'm home.  It helps having something to do since I can't do too much from the constant pain.   OTOH, I'd love to give it all up so I could feel better again & go back to having a life with my family.

I just have to figure out how to do this.