Sunday, March 28, 2010

Shining Light on the Horizon

I'm not sure why but I truly do feel a light shining down on the horizon.  I just got off the phone with Viv who is trying her darndest to kick some sense into me.

This past week has been awful.  Things are coming to a head finally.  Maybe that's what I need to have happen. 

Last Sunday was the school's model Seder.  We combined the kindergarten, 1st & 2nd grades for Seder.  It didn't go well.  Then again, I didnt expect it to go well.  (Anyone ever heard of the Pygmalion Effect?)  We are 5 teachers  who don't do things the same way.  There was no time to practice &/or prepare.  My class never got to do their project.  I felt like it was total chaos.  After it was over, parents came over to tell us that it was a nice day.  Go figure.  They ignored what we were trying to do.  Their children were ignored in favor of chatting.  But they had a good time.  Okay. 

The stress at the bank is ridiculous.  I've finally  come to terms with my new manager  & our different ways of doing things, & now there's a different kind of stress.  It never ends.  Most of it is my fault because I'm so set in my ways.  The good news is that I can learn from my mistakes & move on.

I've never been very confident in myself.  I get stuck in a rut & don't know how to get out.  I got into my industry 22 years ago by accident & haven't figured out what I know how to do.  Sounds strange.  I've got loyal clients & co-workers who believe in me.  So why can't I believe in myself?  I'm amazingly organized.  I give 110% of myself at any job so I get upset when I don't do as well as I should.  I like to help people & believe in doing things the right way or not at all.

There are problems but I need to get off my duff & work them out in my own mind.  One of the things I've done to start is to get back on my meds.  The panic & depression will take a hold & not let go if I don't stay on track with them. 

I hereby refuse to give in.


Michelle said...

I am so sorry you are going through so many difficulties right now. I completely get you on the self confidence/insecurities. I am reading a book called "so long, insecurities" it is by Beth Moore. It is Christian Bible based. I am very much enjoying it and really letting go of much of my self-confidence issues. I can send it to you when I am finished if you want.

Love Letters To China said...

I hope you're able to get past this quickly and make it to the other side. I struggle quite a bit with my life too. It's very hard for me to be a stay at home mom. I love my kids and husband, but so miss the interaction with adults. I know they too can be annoying, but I often feel there is something missing from my life. I think that's why photography is filling a bit of that empty space right now.

Hugs to you my friend. You are a very strong person that will learn from this and become an even stronger individual.


Sandra said...

I'm sorry you have a lot on your plate right now. I understand the self confidence thing 110%. I hope you can find a way to de-stress soon. HUGS!!!

dawn said...

Start with small steps. You are an amazing person and such a lovely person to be around, why don't you feel that? Hmmm?

I hope the meds will start to bring you back to you and that the other decisions start to fall into place. Life changes are not easy for any of us but sometimes you have to jump into them and think about them afterwards.
Hugs, sweet Tammie.

Magi said...

That light at the end is what keeps us going. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much. It sounds like you're taking the steps you need to take. We're rooting for you!