We Are The Champions!!!!

Ah yes! Victory is so sweet! Last night, The Gators SMASHED The Seminoles! Final score?

UF 45 vs FSU 12

Monday is going to be wonderful! One of the guys I work with is a Seminole. Each year we have this ongoing thing with who has the better team. Uh, Jim? Last year UF had a double championship year. This year we beat the socks off of you. Why bother coming back?

Of course, some of my fellow FCCers down here are also celebrating while others are hanging their heads in shame.

So Much to be Thankful For

Yes. There truly is so much for me to be thankful for. While I count my blessings every day, this is the day that it really hits me.

• My beautiful daughter. Each & every night as I kiss her before I go to bed myself, I thank G-d for His wisdom in bringing this child into my life. I tell Erin that she is my light, my soul, my very life.
• My handsome, understanding, witty, sarcastic, non-social husband. I've loved him since I was 19 years old. There are days that I'd like to send him off so that I can be alone, & he gets it. Then there are the days that I can't breath for lack of not having enough time with him. I love this guy with all I've got.
• My ScrapSkank Sisters. Where would I be without you gals!? How many nights have we sat up late scrapping, bitching, complaining about life's lows & laughing over life's highs? With you, I found the creative outlet that my husband has always said was in me. With you, I found women who love me & accept me just the way I am.
• My FCC family. Who understands better than you all the trials, the pain of waiting, the joy of receiving our children, the worries that come along with adoption? Where else can I find people in the same situation - who have children that one day may say "but I don't look like you" or "why couldn't I stay with my birthparents"? Where else can I get such great shopping tips!?
• My father. It's been a long journey Daddy, but I think you finally get me.
• My stepmother Nancy. Who loves my father & his crazy children. Who is a wonderful bubbe to my daughter. Who understands my love/hate affair with teaching. Who over the years has become a dear friend.
• My In-Laws. They are wonderful people. Yes. They're in-laws & that does come with a raw deal all by itself. But I love them fully. To them, I am their daughter not their daughter-in-law. I love watching them with Erin. Such joy should be in everyone's lives.
• Sandra. Your strength gives me strength. You are the definition of a Waiting Heart. You waited to bring home your beautiful girls & be the best mother you possibly could. I've learned from you that it's okay to have down days right along with the good days. I've also learned that I'm not alone in my Starbucks obsession. :-)
• BlogLand. Yes. I'm actually thankful for BlogLand. Where else can I journal my thoughts & meet people who don't judge me for not believing the way they do?

Happy Turkey Day to all!!

Enjoy this special time with your family & friends!!

Sad

Tonight as we head into yet another holiday season I'm feeling sad - not depressed - just sad. I know that I should be so happy & yet I'm not. All day long I've needed to cry, from the moment I got out of bed. I'm a big believer in tears being a necessary evil. As I explain to Erin, there are sad tear, angry tears, & happy tears, & they all serve a purpose. Erin can't bear seeing me cry. It totally freaks her out so I need to hide them from her. David gets upset when I cry so I need to hide them from him. When do I get a chance to let it all out?

The holidays are always a hard time for me. My mom has been gone since 1985, & a day doesn't go by that I don't miss her. My dad has told me that she would be proud of me - as a mother, as a career woman & as a wife & daughter. I hope so. It's not like he'd feed me a line of BS but I do wonder what she'd think of me. Would she realize that I've learned the lessons she taught me? Would she know how much I always loved her? And I wonder too if she knows how I hate that she left me. How I hate that I had to name my daughter for her instead of one of my grandparents. How I hate that she's not around so we could sit down & read our trashy novels & share a few pots of coffee. How I hate that she's not around to see her granddaughter. She would have been an amazing grandmother since she absolutely loved kids. She would have adored Erin.

Yes. I try to remember that my mom had no choice in leaving us. It was her time. G-d had made his decision. But darn! Knowing that doesn't help in the here & now when I'm missing her.

Family & friends who knew my mom say that I'm just like her. I hope so.

Parties, Cake & My Sweaty Girl

Erin's friend Rachel had her 2nd birthday party recently & we went to help celebrate her special day. I love how Erin totally gets into what's happening. After only a few minutes, Erin can work herself into an amazing sweat. However, that doesn't get in the way of bouncing & cake.

Erin loves a good bounce party

Guzzling some water



Ready for cake

Yummy!

I love this one

Sleep??

And my sleep issues continue. Ugh! I crawled into bed last night around 10:00 pm. That sounds like a decent hour doesn't it? Erin woke up for a few minutes but finally fell back asleep all tucked into me. I love that.

Around 2:30 I woke up & told David to move over. He told me that we weren't alone. HUH!? What happened to "I need my sleep, & Erin moves around too much." from him??? So he finally picked her up & put her in her own bed. By 5:00 I was awake & ready to start my day. Yes. I've been on the computer since 5:00 am. Back in the days before we got our referral, I went to bed around 1:00 am & was up by 4:00 am. This happened from December 2001 on. The thing that people found amazing was that I can actually function on 3 hours of sleep a night.

Why can I do this? 'Cause I always have. Back in college I went for days with no sleep at all. Then all of a sudden I would crash & sleep for 24 hours straight. It drove my parents bonkers. My dad would get POd & my mom would tell me to go to sleep like a normal person just so he'd stop bugging her. Of course my mom was no better than I was. We'd wake up in the middle of the night, go into the kitchen, put up a put of coffee, smoke some cigarettes, read a book or 2 & chat.

Maybe I don't give this up willingly because it's a tie to my mom who I miss every day. Maybe I do this because I have fibromyalgia & always did? Who knows? All I know is that I'm tired of the bags under my eyes. I used to be able to hide them with concealer. Now I can't wear make up so I tend to look like a racoon.

Bedtime Sucks!

I try not to complain. I know people who have it so much harder than I do, & I'm unbelievably thankful for all that I have.

Nights with Erin have always been hard. We've found a way to make bedtime easier for everyone, but it's still hard. While she has no problem with the routine - & even tells us when we miss a step - it's the actual bed thing that's a problem. for the first 2 months that we were home, David & I spent each night crying ourselves because Erin had such a heart-wrenching cry. It sounded as if someone was torturing her. With the help of some good friends & our amazing travel group family, we found a method that allowed us a measure of peace. Now that Erin is 5, the situation is not like it was but is still bad. We must go in to her room 4 or 5 times before she settles down. Now I know that children don't want to go to bed - mostly because they're afraid of missing out on something. However, Erin's real problem is that she hates to be alone at night. It's the only time that she is ever alone - unless, of course, you count her time in the potty. Each night she wants to know when I'm coming in to bed, can I stay with her, why can't she just lay on the couch out in the family room with me. Erin will even tell you that she just doesn't want to be alone.

Most of the time I can handle this situation. This past week though, I've come to the realization that I hate her bedtime. I hate to see Erin miserable, & this is the absolute worst time of the day in our family. Once she does settle down, I feel guilty that I'm relieved. In our house 7:00 - 9:00 is the pits. Even David has to get strict with her & tell her to calm down. I know how much he hates it, but it's the only way to convince her to go to sleep.

We left the house early this morning so that we could finish our holiday shopping (not quite done there but just about) & enjoy the rest of the day as a family. Erin was all smiles, didn't ask for anything anywhere we went, was polite, etc. It was almost like having a Stepford Child with us. We didn't get to go to the Ft Lauderdale Home Show (something we do at least once a year) because David got called into work twice. Erin was a trooper the whole time.

By the time we got to WalMart she was done. And rightfully so mind you. Once we got home, she ate a yogurt & even ate an entire slice of pizza for dinner. She was so tired from having no nap today that her meltdown almost made me melt down. Normally I can get her to calm down by holding her in my lap, rubbing her back & speaking to her softly. Tonight that only made it worse. So far I've only had to go into the bedroom once & David has gone in once. Maybe she'll finally pass out & sleep the rest of the night. I'm hoping that she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night which is what she tends to do when she's had this kind of meltdown.

I hate bedtime. It sucks!

But I love my girl.