I Hate Diabetes!!

Blogging has been a challenge lately. You put so much of yourself into a post but don't want to put your entire life "out there" for the world to see. I try to be positive most of the time, but lately I'm having a tough time. So much is going on between my life & my friends & family - all hard stuff.

David is diabetic but a very well-controlled diabetic. His numbers are amazingly good. He indulges but is careful. Of course it helps that I hound him when I think he's going overboard. Rather than get angry, he lets me know where his numbers are & what he's doing. We tend to have pretty good communication about this issue.

So what's the problem if he's controlled? Well, diabetic neuropathy. It has made life a living hell. David was officially diagnosed as a diabetic after we came home from China. The neuropathy diagnosis came along about 2 years ago & the onset has been amazingly fast. I neither can nor do I want do go into what it's like for him to live in constant horrific pain.

As long as I know David, he's always been a sweater. (Yuck! I hate sweat.) It has gotten so much worse since the neuropathy. He has to wear fentanyl patches for the pain but they come off when he sweats. Insurance covers the cost of 30 days worth of patches. Sounds great, but when you sweat them off, you run short. And then you have to pay for them out of pocket. We have spent anywhere from $300 up to needing to replace a whole month's supply at $1500. You can't just go without the patches either. The pain is excruciating. There is so much more to this

The docs have come up with a plan to help us out though. This past Friday, David was given shots of botox (yes, you read correctly). Botox is supposed to help with hyper hydrosis (a/k/a super sweating). Oh. And insurance does have a code but the dr's office refused to use it. Another $1,000 out of pocket. OTOH, the shots have worked. So far.

If you read this David, I hope you don't mind. I've really been needing to get this crap off my chest. I honestly hope this works - for all of us. Erin doesn't really know of life without diabetes & having to see her daddy when he's in pain just plain ole sucks. It isn't any better for me either.

Problem? What Problem?

The state of education is really pissing me off.

My stepmother has been teaching for 30 years. This week she told me that all of the staff in her school district will be receiving a notice of layoff within the next month. WHAT!?!? Everyone??? Her school district in CA doesn't have enough money left in the budget to pay anyone. How the hell can that happen!?

What will happen to the children? How do they get an education without teachers? According to Nancy the long-term teachers probably won't lose their jobs but classes will be getting considerably bigger. So much for the low teacher/student ration.

What will happen to the people who depend on the income from these jobs? I can't imagine. Oh, and by the way, once these people have their jobs eliminated or they retire, they also lose their medical benefits up to & including prescription coverage. Nice? I think not.

Do we have problems? With what? I don't see any problems. Wanna guess who believes that line of horse hockey? Ugh!

Rambling On

Lots of things going on here. Some good. Some just pissing me off.

• Erin hates to read books. Just the first time. Once she's read it, she'll reread it over & over. I've finally figured out that she doesn't like the unknown & hates being wrong when learning to pronounce new words.
• On that note. Schooling has really changed so much since I was there. I don't expect everything to remain the same but there are things that should be standard. Why are we pushing our children to learn things earlier & earlier? In first grade I was learning to read "Run Dick run. See Spot run." Erin is expected to read compound words - breakfast, meatballs. No one has taught these children the basics of reading like how to pronounce "ie" or "ea" or how to break words into syllables to be read. Math? Well, I still suck at that topic but I'm pretty sure I wasn't doing double digit addition in first grade.
• Erin loves school. She adores her teachers, & while she is a chatter, I've never had her teachers send home a note.
• Each Friday she gets to go into the treasure box because she has stayed on track with her behavior. Huh? They reward children for good behavior. In my day, good behavior was expected, & the consequences for poor behavior were something you didn't want to know about.
• My therapy is really coming along nicely. I had my 30 day assessment, & they want me to continue for another 30 days. There are still things I can't do but I am so much further along. I can't thank the folks at Aspen Rehab enough.
• The big Chinese New Year celebration that is sponsored by Great Wall China Adoption in Florida is next week. David & I made plans to attend back in November. He found out on Tuesday that he is on call for the weekend. That means he can't go away with us.
• I can't let Erin down by not attending. This is also the time of year that we get to see her orphanage sister Julianna. I have to fight my fears & figure out how to drive to Orlando. Without a panic attack. BTW, I don't like to drive to the east side of town.
• I haven't slept since I found out about this. My asthma is acting up. I'm scared poopless about driving 3 hours. I can't let Erin down. How the hell am I going to do this?
• David has confidence in me. My boss is willing to let me leave early, but I still have to drive the last part at night. Have I mentioned that I don't see well at night? Yup. I'm scared poopless.
• The bank merger is done. I now work for Wells Fargo. The integration hasn't started yet though. I don't like to do things last minute. I need time to adjust. I really hope they don't just spring the training on us & give us a week to learn it all.

'Nuff said?

Hey! Stop Movin' My Cheese!

Sometimes life throws things in your path to see how you adjust. That is exactly what's happened to me.

I work for a bank. Not just any bank, but a bank that has been in the news. I started out in March 1996 as a brand new employee of First Union. It was my birthday present to David. I had been out of banking for a year & was totally miserable. Even though I had management experience, I wanted to take it easy & start over. After working there for about 3 months, I got bored & started training to be a customer service rep. I did the entire program in 3 months which shocked everyone. When I decide to make a move, that's it, watch out. In late 1999 I made a career change but stayed with the bank. I can't tell you how lucky I am. Even though I bitch & moan at times, I really do love what I do. I enjoy being able to help people & guide them.

Sometime in 2001, First Union merged with Wachovia Bank. I was so afraid but did my best to hide it. Right after the merger, I was asked to temporarily transfer to another office & guide the employees through the merger. It took me a few weeks, but I finally realized that while I, as a First Union employee, was losing my identity because of the name change, they were losing an operating system & in many cases their home since offices were closing to consolidate. This realization made me more sensitive to why the people in that office were so resentful of me coming in. In the last few years, Wachovia has gone on to merge with other banks. I have tried to remember what I learned during the First Union - Wachovia merger each time.

Now it's my turn. Over the last few months the banking industry has been facing challenges that I have never seen in my 21 years as a banker. Wachovia has been facing some amazing challenges during this time. Clients everywhere have been worried. Employees have been worried. Monday morning the news hit. Wachovia has been acquired by CitiBank.

What does this mean? Nothing really at this point. It's business as usual. So why are people coming into our offices & being so mean? The bank DID NOT FAIL. It was acquired. That means it was a merger. The news has been crazy so people have been crazy. For me the stress has been way overboard. I spent a good amount of time Monday crying whenever I was alone. I have been off from work since late Monday for the Rosh HaShanah holiday. During this time off I've been contemplating what it all means to me. Hopefully, when I get back to work tomorrow, things will have calmed down some.

So. Yes. My cheese has been moved. Once again. Now I just have to follow it or even better anticipate where it will be moved to next time.

Lori,

Thanks for reminding me that this is only a moment in time.

Spitting Nails

Right now I'm so pissed off that I could spit nails! I don't even know where the heck to begin so I'll try to do this bullet style.

• Why did I have to buy over $100 worth of school supplies for Erin? Will she actually use 9 yellow folders, 1 blue folder, 1 1-inch binder, 1 marble composition book, 5 yellow wide-ruled spiral bound notebooks, a pack of 48 crayons, 1 pack of dry erase markers, 1 pack of sharpie markers, 1 pack of copy paper, 1 pack of erasers & all the other crap I had to buy!! Impossible! So far when she's come home with homework, I've wondered why the teacher didn't send home any of the pencils, crayons, notebooks or paper that she will need to complete the assignment. How the heck can a child learn to write properly if you don't give him/her ruled paper!? Why would you assume that after going to 2 different stores & spending over $100 that I have any of those same supplies in my house!? I sent them in to school!!! SO WHERE ARE THE SUPPLIES??? Who is using them?? Certainly not Erin.
• I have Erin enrolled in Hebrew school at the synagogue that we belong to rather than the one at which I have taught for the last 17 years. Why? Because she shouldn't be in my classroom, & the other 1st grade teacher has a tendency to spoil Erin. David went to the Open House for Erin's Sunday school class. On the way home from my own teaching, I called to see how things went. He warned me. He told me I wasn't going to like it. Then he made me wait the entire half hour till I got home to discuss things with me. Why is my daughter using a book that teaches letter recognition that is just plain ole wrong!? How can I say this? Easily. I've taught 1st grade Sunday school since 1989. I know what I'm talking about here. Hebrew letters are NOT the same as English letters. They may make the same sound, but there is no comparison beyond that. Her books teach that there is a comparison. And because, the director of the school knows me, I have to tread lightly. I don't tread lightly well. I kind of do a stampede when I'm in this mood.
• After not being sure of whether or not I should continue teaching on Sundays, I went back. My director & I had a long talk. We came to a point where we both got what we wanted. Cool. Great. Couldn't be happier about it. On top of that, I've got a class this year that I'm so happy with I can't wait to go in & teach. My co-teacher has a habit of walking in while I'm in the middle of a lesson to ask me stuff. You know. Where am I in the lesson? Will I be doing all the work in class or sending some home? If she doesn't come in, she'll send her student aid. I constantly have to remind her that I'm in the middle of a lesson & we can talk after class ends. I have never liked being interrupted. Ask David. He'll tell you that interrupting me can be taking your life in your hands. I consider it the ultimate in rudeness. In this case, I loose my class because now they're distracted. I have to be almost pissy with the other teacher who is a very dear woman.
• On top of all that, I can't sleep. David passed out over 2 hours ago. Erin went in without a fight for the 2nd night in a row about 8:00. And, me? I can't fall asleep for nuthin'!

What did you do on the first day of school?

Ah yes. The first day of school. It was cancelled for today & has now been cancelled for tomorrow. The only reason I'm not terribly upset is that Erin has to remain home until the 20th.

I called Erin's pediatrician this morning as early as possible to get an appointment. David & I are not happy with her lack of progress from the medication for her allergies. So this morning I drove, in the pouring rain with almost no visibility, to Dr. Liang. I couldn't believe how long it took to get to her office because of the weather - almost a half hour for a normal 15-20 minute drive. So after waiting an hour for the infamous Dr. Liang, she finally came in & apologized for taking so long. After a few questions & a quick glance at Erin's throat & nose, the diagnosis came in. Erin has a heck of a sinus infection. Oh goody.

Off we went to the pharmacy to drop off the prescription & then to Publix for a quick shop. When Erin is sick, she refuses to eat so my instructions are to let her eat anything she wants & keep her drinking juice. This way she won't loose any weight. At 39 pounds, Erin is considered very petite. So on with the pop tarts, waffles, pudding & juice. For a kid that doesn't sound like a bad diet, but for a mom who tries to keep the sugar down, it's not good. In fact, normally Erin will eat chicken nuggets, cheese, pasta, but for now she won't even look at that stuff. Veggies? Don't bother. She won't eat them on a good day.

So we came home, played some games, took a nap after Daddy came home. And she took her new meds. According to her, they're gross.

I guess things are normal. And hopefully school will start Wednesday with Erin sitting in her new class.

Why not start school in July!?

After all, it seems that the officials don't mind our children being in school during the height of hurricane season. I have to wonder if these same officials have children who are still school aged.

Tomorrow is supposed to be the first day of school. And it's been cancelled in 3 counties - Monroe, Miami-Dade & Broward. Why? Because of Hurricane Faye? Yup. The same hurricane that probably won't be a hurricane. It will work out because Erin is still sick & with no school in session, I can't ask anyone to watch her. I did call my boss & explain the situation to him. Thankfully, Bob's a family guy & understands that kids get sick. Now I have to hope that the other bosses understand. After all, I did call out sick on Friday, & yes, Erin did go to the dr, but calling out on both a Friday & a Monday isn't what you want in the banking industry. Those are the busiest days.

But what are you supposed to do when there is no school, the day care places follow the school calendar, & your kid is sick? I'm guessing I could take her in & have her sit in the lunchroom, but for how long before it becomes a bad thing?

So Here We Sit Waiting

This is the last free weekend before school starts. And life is not happening the way it was supposed to. Shocking! Not.

Friday was the day to meet the teachers, find out about the aftercare program, the lunch program & get the supply lists for Erin & the other children entering her school. After the meet & greet, David & I took Erin shopping for the supplies. The school, like many others around the country, has its own requirements for each grade. Can someone please tell me why they are requesting yellow folders that have holes so they can fit into 3-ring binders? Yellow is the only color that none of the stores have ordered. I can find red, orange, black, pink, purple, blue, green BUT NOT YELLOW!! So now I have 9 folders in yellow without holes & 9 folders in pink with holes. And let's not forget that we need to send in a 6-pack of Elmer's glue sticks with NO color. Ha! No one can find them anywhere!

In the middle of 2 shopping trips, we decided to take Erin to see her dr. She's an allergic kind of kid but for the last week, the allergies have been out of control. She's got this really wet cough. Unfortunately, we couldn't get in to see The Amazing Dr. Liang, but her partner Dr Cheresnick had a free spot. The neat part about Dr Cheresnick is that it was his son Justin who told me about Dr Liang back when David & I were paperchasing.

Anyway, it turns out that Erin is in one of her allergy loops so she's on albuterol for a week till it's done with. So now we have a kid who is attached to boxes of tissues, coughing her brains up & hyper to the Nth degree. She missed one birthday party today & will probably miss the one tomorrow. Thankfully, Erin understands that while she isn't running a fever, she really can't be out & about.

So here we sit. Waiting. For Erin to get back to normal.

Oh Where Oh Where . . .

. . . has my Cingular gone! I'm a very loyal person. Whether you're my friend or a company I do business with, I tend to stick with you. Unless you tick me off that is. I guess it was this past year that Cingular Wireless merged into AT&T Wireless. Now I know that there are people out there who just adore AT&T, but I am NOT one of them. Ever since the merger, I have more problems than I should. Their level of customer service sucks.

I have been on the phone with customer service since 8:00 pm (it is now 8:31 pm) trying to get help understanding my way overpriced bill. The young man who answered my call can't answer my questions, has no knowledge of the English language & grammar & can't understand why I've asked for a supervisor - not 1 time but 6 times. He thought it was enough to issue a credit so my bill wouldn't be sky high. He was a bit concerned that giving me a refund wasn't satisfying me. Do I want a refund? No. I want an explanation because a refund this month means a phone call next month in yet another attempt to understand my bill. Duh!

And now I've been disconnected at 8:36 pm. Here I go again! Let's see what happens next. And now that this is the 2nd time I've had to call, I plan on participating in their "customer service survey." Wanna guess how they rate in my book?

UPDATE!!!!

It is now 9:15 pm, & I have just gotten off of the phone after speaking with a lovely lady. She immediately understood what I was asking. Granted it took a while to figure out what happened on my bill, but it is done. Unfortunately, she did advise me that this will occur on my next bill but that I should call back, pray I get her (her words, not mine) & have the bill fixed one more time.

Am I a satisfied client? No.

I Hate Preparing for Birthday Parties

Have you heard the news? I absolutely hate preparing for birthday parties. Period.

Why you ask? Well, let's see:

• A July party should NEVER be outside - especially when you live in S FL. Just ask Erin & of course anyone who came to her party last year. David went home & brought all of our fans from home to try & cool us down. It didn't work so we all "glistened" throughout the day. I didn't want a park party, but Erin had her heart set on a bounce party, & my friend Lisa wanted Erin to have her party with her favorite bounce. Besides, how do you say "no" to your only child will turn 5 only once in her lifetime. (I said "no" this year.)
• Erin & I are traveling to Texas for her Travel Group reunion & then on to California for a visit with Bubbie & Zaydie. Don't you think a 2 week vacation is enough of a birthday present? I do. Apparently David disagrees since he asked her what kind of party she wanted. ARGH!!
• All the neat places to hold parties are NOT in the county we live in. I can't justify having her party in Miami because, while I love him, my brother & his family would be the only guests who live there so everyone else would be totally inconvenienced. (I have some dear friends who don't cross county lines.)
• My good friend Michelle told me last week "Oh! I booked Lauren's party for the weekend of the girls' birthdays. It's at YCA." Great. Now I'm stuck because this is a really cool place, but you can't have 2 parties in the place for the same weekend with the same guests. Another ARGH!!!
• Erin loves to run & jump & bounce. We went to a great place for a party last weekend. She wouldn't jump into the foam pit because the poor girl didn't believe there was no water under the foam pieces. (It ripped my heart to see her standing by the foam pit looking as if she wanted to jump in. She literally couldn't the fear is still so strong.)

And now I don't have a clue about what to do! She would like a bowling party but I'll tell you right now, the children just run around & don't bowl. She would like a ceramics party, but how do you keep 30 kids aged 1-11 sitting & painting for 1 1/2 hours?

UGH!! I hate party planning.

Cranky

Need I say more?

David went to pick Erin up from school this afternoon. He went out on to the school's playground where she usually is by the time he gets there. No sooner than he walks out the door than he hears the teacher on duty tell the children not to hang off the side of the tall slide. Yup. That was our sweet girl who was hanging around with her feet mere inches from the teacher's face. (What was the teacher doing just hanging around right there when she knew that was what the children were doing?) When Erin saw David, she got down & went over to him. Because she had shown disrespect to the teacher, David made her go back & apologize to the her. And that's when her "mood" began.

It didn't get any better by the time I got home either. We were treated to an evening filled with love & whining. Oh yea. That's just what I wanted tonight. Uh huh. Give me more.

Either way, her whining was sufficient enough that she was told to get into jammies earlier than usual. She chose to not eat dinner. Why? Well, you see, the eggplant parmigan that she tried last night & couldn't get enough of is GREEN, and we all know that Erin doesn't do green. And here I was thrilled that I had finally gotten my child to eat a vegetable! How did this happen? David prepared dinner as usual & put her serving on her plate. Ah ha! He had cut her eggplant parmigan up into bite-sized pieces. When she ate it last night, I was giving it to her off of my plate, & she never saw the color. Oh well.

Lessons Learned

I wonder who teaches children it's okay to be cruel. I wonder who teaches children that being mean is acceptable. And I wonder who takes the ultimate responsibility for all the negative crap that children are exposed to.

David & I are working very hard to ensure that Erin is a nice person. We definitely don't believe in original sin but know that children can say/do hurtful things. It's not always easy to do the right thing, & G-d knows that I certainly don't get there 100% of the time. I've always said that I'm not perfect nor do I want to be. However, when it comes to my daughter I try pretty darn hard.

Last night we had a situation with Erin that pretty much shocked me. David always puts Erin to bed. We have a routine that works quite well for us. Erin gives me night-night hugs, gets her pill & a drink, gives me another hug, asks me when I'm going to sleep, hugs me one more time & goes into her room for some time with Daddy. Last night David came storming out & told me that I needed to take care of Erin because he was too ticked. Since this has happened maybe 3 times in 4 years I asked him what happened.

WELL!!!! It seems that David was talking with Erin & told her that when she turns 6, she will have to start walking because we won't be carrying her anymore. He told her that this was happening because she's a big girl & getting bigger. Apparently, Erin took this very negatively & told David that he was "too darn fat." (Yes. You can pick your jaw up off the floor. She truly did.)

When I went into her room to chat, she was already hysterical because she knew that she had done bad. The usual response is that Erin will tell you she doesn't know why she said what she said. I explained to her that we cannot say things that are hurtful or rude because we don't want to give someone a sad heart & make them cry. Lately, I've had to remind her that there is NOTHING she can do that will make us stop loving her, send her back to China or leave her alone. I reminded her that we want to be her mommy & daddy & even flew all the way to China so we could have that job. Since Erin is in Hebrew School Sunday mornings, I know that my friend Karen is teaching the class all about mitzvot (G-d's commandments). I asked Erin if Miss Karen had taught about mitzvot yet (knowing full well that it's an integral part of the curriculum) & she said yes. I asked her if what she said to her daddy was doing a mitzvah or not. Needless to say, she knew the answer.

I told her that she was right. Daddy & I are fat. However, that is not a nice thing to say to anyone. When we finished our conversation, Erin went out to David & told him that she was sorry she made his heart sad.

She seems to understand what I was saying & was quite upset over having hurt her daddy's feelings. Hopefully, we won't have this chat again soon.

Huh? I can't register her? Why not?

I decided that since I'm on vacation this week, I would get Erin registered for 1st grade at her new school. David & I decided that since we have an "A" school right down the block, we would take advantage of it rather than pay thousands for a private school that isn't any better.

I went to the school, found my way to the main office & spoke with someone who looks young enough to be my younger sister about getting Erin registered for next year. Imagine my shock when I was told that I can't register her till the end of April!

WHAT!? What do you mean I have to WAIT!? I have time off NOW!! They didn't even have any paperwork that I could take with me. Right as I was leaving the office, I saw one of those literature carousels & picked through it. I was able to find some paperwork about which store I need to go to so I can buy school uniforms, what supplies are needed for the 1st grade supplies, info on the aftercare program.

Could someone please tell me why I need to send my 6 year old 1st grader to school with not 1, but 2 boxes of baby wipes & a change of clothing? We haven't used wipes since Erin was 4. And, just why would she need a change of clothing? Are they planning a fashion show? Then there are the tissues, crayons, markers, pencils - colored & regular, mind you - dry erase markers & more. What the heck!? Why am I supplying her class for a year's worth of supplies? Just what will she need 6 glue sticks for? I know things have changed, but this is ridiculous. Even worse is the fact that there will definitely be parents who don't send this stuff in for their children. Basically I feel as if I'm supposed to send in enough supplies for Erin & the rest of her classmates.

AARRGGHHHH!!!

I'm at my wits end. Frustration has taken a firm grip of me. There is almost nothing left. I am waiting for February 16th with such anticipation. Why? Erin & I go to Spring Hill for our annual visit with our friends for Chinese New Year.

This week is going to be a tough one. This is the week of the bank merger. I volunteered to be on the merger readiness team for our buddy branch. Those women are going to do really well. They're just waiting for it to finally be done so they can actually put into use everything they've been practicing for the last 6 months. I was so nervous last night. All I wanted was for them to feel comfortable. I remember how nervous I was during the merger where I had to learn tons of new stuff. And now I have to learn new things too that just don't make sense to me. I'm a logical person (okay, so I try to be one) & what I need to learn isn't sinking in. I only have till Friday morning to absorb it all. Can it be done? Yes. Not without me losing some hair though.

Then I'm having problems at my 2nd job. I don't even know where to begin on this one. Enough said that I won't be going back. My love for teaching & my love for the children can't overcome the extreme BS that I have to deal with. I truly feel that I'll be losing a part of my soul, but I can't keep going back & feeling like I'm losing "me."

My local FCC group is having our annual Chinese New Year event. We go down to Miami Beach to this wonderful restaurant. The food is yummy, & there's a lion dance. Why aren't we going? Well, this is a crazy week for us. And the lion dancers terrify Erin. I really hate to miss out on it, & the promise of seeing her friends isn't even working. I hate seeing Erin so afraid. Yup. That's more hair coming out.

My upcoming trip to Spring Hill is twofold. I get to spend time with my dear friends Susan & Art while Erin gets to spend time with their daughters who treat her like another sister. Susan & I will relax & sit around drinking our chai lattes or coffees, Art will go to work, the girls will play. That's all after the big Chinese New Year luncheon where I will have to miss yet another lion dance. Erin is so terrified that she actually begged me to leave her here with David. Well, that just isn't happening. She will go with me, & we will miss the dance. AARRGGGHHH!!!!

When is February 16th? I can't wait to get on that plane. Maybe then I can stop pulling out my hair.

Not Giving Them One More Penny!

My friend Sandra & I have never met in person, but through the journey of adoption, we have become very close. Over the last 5 (almost 6) years, we have kept in touch & discovered that we share many things in common.

Each day I look forward to coming home from work, spending time with Erin & David & after Erin's bedtime, reading my favorite blogs. Sandra's is one of the first blogs I read. I have to get my daily dose. After all, Jazzie & Erin are both Waiting Hearts children, & Tahlia is from the same SWI that Erin is from. (Lots of red threads pulling us closer.)

As usual, I woke up very early this morning & just had to get my fix since I haven't been online in a few days. Sandra is involved in the deaf community because Jazzie is deaf. BTW, have I mentioned that you need to go read her blog? She's an amazing advocate for the CI (cochlear implant). One of Sandra's who is deaf had a horrible experience at a Steak & Shake. You can read all about Karen's experience on her own blog.

All I can say is that Steak & Shake won't have me adding to their coffers any longer. I am horrified by how Karen was treated.

My computer WHAT????

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. Friday night it happened. Did you hear me? No? I was screaming bloody murder all night long. My poor guy. He really has to put up with a lot from me - especially when it comes to computers.

All I can say is thank G-d for laptops! It's been my saving grace connecting me to my Blogging Friends & Family. Not to mention being my avenue to email.

Last night while I was out scrapping with my friends, David took care of my problem. Feeling icky & dealing with the whiny 5 year old, he managed to put together a computer system for me. By next weekend, I should have total access to everything - my pictures & my music & being able to sync my Blackjack. Thanks Honey!

My Blood is Boiling

Tonight was the night of nights. I can't believe how angry I am!

David & I took Erin out for dinner to Red Lobster. It's one of our favorite places. Erin loves their bisuits, & we were really in the mood for seafood. We let Erin sit on the outside of the booth on David's side as a treat. Big mistake.

As an elderly couple was leaving the restaurant they passed us, & the lady said "oh how sweet" which was nice. The old man had the nerve to reach out & touch my child's face as he said "how sweet also." How dare he touch my daughter!! Who the heck does he think he is!? Erin wasn't any happier about it. That said we put her on the inside seat & thought that would be the end of it. HA!!

We were walking to our car when an old man looked at us & asked us "Is she for sale?" WHAT THE F***!?!? I was so angry that I turned around called him an idiot. It was the nicest thing I could say. David was fuming. Erin got so upset that I wanted to turn & go after that man. Erin got very defensive & said "I NOT for sale! You my mommy & dada." Thank G-d that she is so secure in our love for her.

What the heck is wrong with people!? Have they lost their minds!? I am so darn angry that people take such liberties.

Bedtime Sucks!

I try not to complain. I know people who have it so much harder than I do, & I'm unbelievably thankful for all that I have.

Nights with Erin have always been hard. We've found a way to make bedtime easier for everyone, but it's still hard. While she has no problem with the routine - & even tells us when we miss a step - it's the actual bed thing that's a problem. for the first 2 months that we were home, David & I spent each night crying ourselves because Erin had such a heart-wrenching cry. It sounded as if someone was torturing her. With the help of some good friends & our amazing travel group family, we found a method that allowed us a measure of peace. Now that Erin is 5, the situation is not like it was but is still bad. We must go in to her room 4 or 5 times before she settles down. Now I know that children don't want to go to bed - mostly because they're afraid of missing out on something. However, Erin's real problem is that she hates to be alone at night. It's the only time that she is ever alone - unless, of course, you count her time in the potty. Each night she wants to know when I'm coming in to bed, can I stay with her, why can't she just lay on the couch out in the family room with me. Erin will even tell you that she just doesn't want to be alone.

Most of the time I can handle this situation. This past week though, I've come to the realization that I hate her bedtime. I hate to see Erin miserable, & this is the absolute worst time of the day in our family. Once she does settle down, I feel guilty that I'm relieved. In our house 7:00 - 9:00 is the pits. Even David has to get strict with her & tell her to calm down. I know how much he hates it, but it's the only way to convince her to go to sleep.

We left the house early this morning so that we could finish our holiday shopping (not quite done there but just about) & enjoy the rest of the day as a family. Erin was all smiles, didn't ask for anything anywhere we went, was polite, etc. It was almost like having a Stepford Child with us. We didn't get to go to the Ft Lauderdale Home Show (something we do at least once a year) because David got called into work twice. Erin was a trooper the whole time.

By the time we got to WalMart she was done. And rightfully so mind you. Once we got home, she ate a yogurt & even ate an entire slice of pizza for dinner. She was so tired from having no nap today that her meltdown almost made me melt down. Normally I can get her to calm down by holding her in my lap, rubbing her back & speaking to her softly. Tonight that only made it worse. So far I've only had to go into the bedroom once & David has gone in once. Maybe she'll finally pass out & sleep the rest of the night. I'm hoping that she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night which is what she tends to do when she's had this kind of meltdown.

I hate bedtime. It sucks!

But I love my girl.

What Do You Say?

What do you say to the people who are waiting? & waiting & waiting.

Can you say that the end result is worth it? Can you say that your child is just not ready to show him/herself to you yet? Can you say that once your child is in your arms the wait time goes away?

Yes. You can say all that & certainly more. However, the person who is waiting doesn't want to hear any of this. At the moment in time when you're hoping & praying for a referral, you don't want to hear the usual platitudes. You just want to know who your child is & when you can travel to them so you can hold him/her in your arms. You want to put a stop to the questions people are asking. The questions that you have no answer to.

How do I know this?

Easy. (Ha!) David & I started our journey October 15, 2000. Being the person that I am, I knew that I needed no help - from anyone (even our agency SW). Duh! Big mistake. I did all of our paperwork perfectly. Just backwards. And because I did it all backwards, I ended up having to do much of it over again because it expired. Our official DTC (Dossier to China) date was February 28, 2002. Do you see a problem with the dates here? Oh yes. My pride got in the way.
I was lucky enough to have that referral date though. Why? Because I managed to make the most amazing friends. The February Waiting Hearts group had the longest DTC to referral date at that time - 13/14 months depending upon whether you got your referral on March 31st or April 1st. My dear friend Sandra got her referral for Jazzie on march 31st. I opened my email to see Jazzie's face & hear "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed. (Now when I hear that song, I cry in remembrance of that special day.) I also met my dear friend Susan who lives in FL also. Without these 2 special women I wouldn't have made it.

My call came on April 1st a/k/a April Fool's Day. I had been so upset crying for days that we weren't getting our referral. I thought for sure that our agency was waiting to tell us that we had been declined although my brain knew that this wasn't possible. When the call finally came at 2:45 pm I was at work. When Emily told me it was my turn, I screamed at her that her joke was not funny & hung up. Yes. I hung up on my agency. Thank G-d she called back seconds later. As I sat in the bank crying, all of my co-workers & clients came over & sat to wait while I received the information about Chun HuaXu soon to be known as Erin Chelsie. And then I proceeded to call David with the news.

What do you say?

You say that the wait is horrible. You say that the tears are worth it. You say that you will be there for the waiting families to cry with them as they continue to wait.

And you say that you will cry tears of absolute joy when their turn comes.

Monday, October 29th, my dear friends Lori & Marc will celebrate as their son Ethan joins their family in China. Here in the United States, I will wait to see their email & then cry. Tears of joy.

And I will cry when I hear of more families being united with their children. Because that is what we do.

What! Me? A Spammer?

Apparently Blogger is having problems deciding who is & who isn't a spammer. I went to post about Erin's birthday & found that I was blocked. What the heck!? It seems that if you link to too many places, you must be doing something wrong. I guess I can't be friendly with other bloggers or lead anyone off to a website that may be of interest. I wish I knew how to transfer my stuff over to Typepad because I'd leave fairly quickly for all this BS!!